To Our Beloved Beverly

One of the most beloved people in my life passed away this week from this cruel decease called cancer. My family feels gutted, heartbroken and completely sad. We watched her pass little by little. My children and I sat by her bedside and talked to her, kissed her and held her hand. I went there every day and put her lipstick on her, fixed her hair and told stories about our shared glory days. She’s really the only grandmother my children ever had other than my terrific mom. Both my husband’s parents are gone.

As I watch my children, I can see in their eyes the deep fear that this is going to be their mom someday. They worry that it will be them someday. And I understand because I worry and struggle with the same thoughts. This has wrecked us … depleted us. We are left with memories twirling in our brains.

It’s so difficult to not make comparisons. Seeing yourself lying there helpless while people come and go and look upon you, cry or hold your hand. I wondered if she was inside there shouting at us all to leave her alone. To stop looking down on her like a fish in a fish bowl. TO GET OUT.

When I was in the hospital in January, it was Beverly who flew in from FLORIDA to care for my children when I couldn’t. We noticed then that something wasn’t right. We never expected brain cancer. We loved her very much.

Today I am more frightened for what I have seen than I was yesterday, so I’m looking forward to that “Time Thing” that they say heals all wounds. But I feel doubtful that this experience won’t leave inside us and will feed on the fear we all share for me and my own lifespan.

Today Mark, Beverly’s husband, sleeps next to a shirt of hers that sleeps placed on the pillow next to his. I wonder about my own husband. I wonder about my children. Today I am not so strong … I am frightened.

7 comments

  1. So sorry to hear about Beverly, stay strong and positive, we love you, Aunt Sherry and Uncle Tom

  2. Viki, you have every reason to feel frightened and not very strong today. But your inner survival is just hiding out today, it will return soon, for that is the person you are. This frightened person is the one who misses her friend. I am sorry for your loss, and remember Beverly fondly. Her journey is different, yours continues. Be strong, my friend, you are a wise and wonderful woman.

  3. Dear Viki … Anyone – if they are smart – regardless of their health challenges – must come to know one thing … ‘treasure every day’. No one knows when the next Oklahoma tornado will blow through their town, or when a strange occurrence will happen. No one is guaranteed one more day – but we all have the moments of ‘now’ and to make each moment matter. An interesting story I would like to share with you of 2 ladies on flight – One lady was grieving because after one year of her husband being diagnosed with an incurable disease, he had passed in his sleep surrounded by those who loved him. She went on to talk about their last year, All the things they did and said … she said it was so wonderful and that she just wanted more years (in additional to her already 12 year marriage with her husband). She asked the other other about why she was traveling – she said that after 11 years, they were finally able to determine some remnants at the 9/11 site contained DNA of her husband. After all that time she was finally able to see a proper resting place for that small remnant – which she regarded as her husband. She said however, that the morning of the 9/11 attack they were both in such a hurry, they never said goodbye – they never said I love you – they never said anything – he was in the shower and she said she just left for work (assuming they would be together that evening – never thinking they would not see each other again. Where the other lady wanted more years after having an entire year to still have wonderful experiences – and the ability say good bye in the most meaningful ways – the lady who lost her healthy husband on 9/11 said she only wanted 5 more ‘seconds’ with him of her 18 month marriage – she said she just wanted to say “I love you” … nothing more. Interesting that the one lady wanted more years after having an entire year to experience together – but the other lady only wanted 5 more seconds. My heartfelt sympathy is extended to you in the passing of your dear friend – and I do pray for her and your peace in such a loss. Yes – it is all very sad and I am not sure time really heals anything – but maybe allows for more perspective. No matter who we are – and what our situation is about – we all one day will have to face loss and difficulties. Every single one of us. But in the end – it is the kindness and love we give to others in each moment of our lives that make the difference in how we are remembered and how we live on beyond our mortal lives. So to you Viki – and anyone else who may read this … take a moment – for ‘this moment’, capture what is good and meaningful in your hearts and mind, be grateful for this moment and continue to live and love and ‘be’ (and wear great lipstick doing it !). You are loved !

  4. Viki, I am told by my bff who has 3 different type of cancer and is stage 4 This is not you God is not ready for you chin up and keep the faith. I know these are great words to live by. I am sending prayers to you, your family and to her family I am truly sorry for all.

  5. Oh Viki. I don’t receive your posts but today Jan forwarded it to me. I just saw about Beverly and your PET scan. My breathe had been taken from me- I know this is so hard for you all. I wish I was there hugging you. Beverly seemed so well at Dell’s Bar Mitzvah so this is a total shock. I also lost my Dad to brain cancer so I know how quickly this can all progress. Please send our love and condolences to Mark. Also, I have seen you fight and I know you can conquer anything in your path!! You have the strength and we all have the love to support you!! Please let us know if you need anything and we’ll be there.

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