Tired. Just tired.

I’m so tired. I went for chemo today, I looked around the room, and I was just so, so tired. Even the nurses noticed I wasn’t my usual self. Yes, I am very grateful to still be alive, but I can’t help reflecting. It’s all taken such a toll on me. It’s been three years, and I still drive two hours to receive my treatment, get sick, walk it off, then get back in the car and drive the two hours back home. I repeat this every month. All the other patients come and go. No one is ever the same except for me.

I feel numb from it all. I feel defeated. I will continue to fight for a future with everything I have, but I see now that my future will always require tubes and needles and chemicals. It’s exhausting being me. Sometimes I feel like I could slip into a black hole. Of course, I never would, but it’s a heavy burden to carry. My children and family shine the light on my way forward — and I’m so grateful for that — but sometimes lately, when I’m alone, the dark starts to creep in. It’s like being out on the ocean in a small boat and paddling and paddling and paddling but never seeing land. Oh, and the boat has a leak.

I have another surgery scheduled for the end of the month. The pain of recovery and the new problems it usually brings are sometimes so difficult to bear. I don’t cry much because I’m always looking ahead, but tonight is different. As I write and share all this, I am in tears. I’m that tired.

I’ve put so much energy into not accepting my terminal diagnosis that it hit me only today that the tubes and chemicals are really the main reason I’m still alive. All that fighting I’ve done, and, yet, I’m still dependent on drugs, doctors and grueling treatments. I’m tired of being sick!

I am a positive person, so I don’t want the tone of this post to give you all the wrong impression. I believe it’s important to get the negative out sometimes so you can leave it behind. Even the toughest of us still cry. So taking that advice, I guess I will dry my eyes and head for bed. I have an awesome husband waiting for me there.

Time to put my big girl panties back on … my friends are dying out there and I am very blessed to still be HERE. Even when I’m tired.

22 comments

  1. Just read this Viki. I can only imagine how tired you must be. You have been fighting for so long. Didn’t even know you had another surgery coming up this month. Completely agree sometimes you just need to let this stuff out, and I’m sure your honesty and courage is helping others. Love you!

  2. Viki I do not know you well but I can say, we are sisters in this fight sometime you need to rant so you go ahead cry, yell, and scream but get it out and I will pray for you and your family. You do what you have to so you can feel a bit better. Jaimie

  3. Dear Viki ….

    The weight is heavy, the frustration is great, the pain is endless … and
    you know what … it is okay to be tired … actually, it is okay to cry,
    scream, yell and be damn angry.

    When you come out of the crying, yelling and screaming (that you so well
    deserve to do) … we need you back. There are others crying, yelling
    and screaming – and like you – it happens quietly with some that others
    don’t ever realize … this is where you are needed … to see and
    understand others in pain (whatever it may be) … and like others are a
    shining light for you … you are that shining light as well. A beautiful
    light.

    I think I mentioned a while back that no one is guaranteed a thing .. not
    one more day, not one more hour, not one more minute … and there is no
    amount of money or fame that can change that … we all are equal in only
    having ‘moments’. I remember 3 years ago when you had your diagnosis …
    it was scary … but – you have ‘lived’ wonderful moments in those three
    years … But at the same time, when I reflect back on the same three
    years, it amazes me of the people in my life who I have lost … totally
    unexpectedly who assumed they would have endless moments – and took them
    for granted. The gift to you is that you have come to treasure the
    moments and know how precious they are … every moment means something
    …. that is what makes life meaningful – and your life with all the pain
    and discouragement – is in fact meaningful.

    Yes – the ‘normal’ has changed … and is one you (we) never thought would
    happen … and in this new normal there are more people than you will ever
    know supporting, loving and surrounding you … This is what to embrace
    when the going gets tough … and this is what you give to others when
    their going gets tough as well.

    So … with that said … let me shine my light on you … let me embrace
    you in my best thoughts and keep you safe in my prayers … let my healing
    thoughts be near to help strengthen you … let me help you know you are
    not alone … far from it …

    The big girl panties await you (they are hot pink) … and when you are
    ready to put them on – go ahead and I know they will be a perfect fit …

    My love, strength, and healing thoughts are with you …

    Love, Dottie

    Dorothy Kronemer
    Senior Negotiations Executive

    International Business Machines Corporation
    IBM Global Technology Services

    Mobile: 843-276-5578
    Internet: dotkrone@us.ibm.com

  4. Viki- I think of you everyday! I, too, face daily health challenges, but not to the extreme that you do. Your posts are very inspiring. I would love to reconnect with you. Stay strong and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you always! Your longtime friend, Nancy E.

  5. Yes, it’s the tubes and the chemicals and the doctors, but it is very much you, too, and your family and friends and all of us here in prayer land who hold you in our thoughts every day and night. But ultimately, I’m pretty sure, it’s mostly you.

  6. Viki – please, let yourself be TIRED. You do SO MUCH for your children and your family. I admire you. I will miss you at the Valentine party but maybe you can come for a little bit. You also need to let yourself cry. That helps! I pray for you everyday in my Misheberach prayer. xoxox

  7. Being tired can be the new fuel to keep on keeping on!!!! As i review the last 3 years and see how
    far you have come and what you have endured I know the mental toll it has to take- I also know that the spirit, competitiveness, and drive you possess as you walk this path creates its own gentle pushes to and for you.
    You walk ahead step by step of courage,fiestiness and determination and you do not walk alone !!!!!! YOU ROAR !!!!!
    YOUR CHEERLEADER
    MOM XXOO 🙂 (POLLYANNA)

  8. My dear friend. I didn’t know you were still writing. I didn’t know u had a bad pet scan and all you have been undergoing every month. You never complain. You always smile and dress so glamorously. I am so glad you shared so those that love u can give u an extra hug and enjoy each moment. You are entitled to be exhausted. You are a dear blessing and please know I am always here. I love u to my core. Sharpen that sword and we will fight the beast together.

    1. thank’s julie…. We all have our problems it’s difficult to want to burden my friends with my constant rain of problems but I always know you are there for me.. always

  9. Hi Viki,

    As a 44-year old stage IV mom with a toddler and a 9-year old, I really do imagine that I can start to understand your exhaustion. I have often thought about the layers and layers of things that contribute to my deep exhaustion: my body constantly fighting the cancer in my bones, lungs, and lymph nodes, the side effects of the chemo (last year), the side effects of the medicine to help with the side effects, and for me now the side effects of radiation, the mental fatigue of always being in the position of needing to ask for and receive help and care, ALL the appointments, the demands of trying to do all that you want in life for yourself and others (while being so tired!), and the realization that this may well be your reality for the rest of your life, and on and on… It’s just so hard to keep on keeping on some days, even with the best support system, the best doctors, and the best attitude. Even though I do not know you, it helps me a great deal to know that you are out there, and that you are going through similar challenges to me.

    I’m trying hard to sustain the belief that I can still beat this – with a combination of diet, exercise, alternative care, and traditional care. I will hold out hope for you too! There are women (albeit few) who manage to overcome this somehow and I can’t see why we couldn’t be those women.

    I wish you continued strength, complete healing, and as much joy as you can squeeze out of life.

    1. Vivilane, Wow… you are the first person I’ve met that is really in a similar boat as me. There isn’t much of us out there. Everytime i talk to my doctor about next steps or what will happen if we do this??? He comments that there isn’t anyone alive out there like me so he has no research. Very scary. And we are mom’s together. I would love to keep in touch with you. I’m a bit ahead of you in the treatment process and may be able to offer you some suggestions based on what i have learned. email me at vikiz@comcast.net your post really moved me. I felt like some how we are connected. I will think of you often.. viki

      1. I will most certainly e-mail you. I would love to remain connected and mutually supportive in our experiences as young stage IV moms.

        With all best wishes to you and your family!

  10. Viki,
    We see the world the exact same way and get to laugh about it every day. Nobody can understand your words truly but what separates you from all the others is your ABSOLUTE STRENGTH in your heart and in your numbers. You have the biggest heart out of ANYBODY I know and you have more friends, family, and even strangers fighting to keep you strong. So, on those days when you feel weak, your friends are STRONG for you. So, there you go – nothing to worry about and you and I can get back to laughing extra hard at the little things. Rest up this week. All my love!
    Patty

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