Being Sick

Telling My Story for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Viki ZarkinDuring my time working on Harrisburg’s Play for P.I.N.K. project, which I wrote about here, I was honored to get to know the people at Blue Cross, one of our event’s biggest sponsors. As our relationship grew, I shared my story with them, and they decided to highlight that story on their website here during Breast Cancer Awareness Month: http://capitalbluestore.com/blog/viki-zarkin/.

I hope you all enjoy it. Blue Cross is a wonderful company and has been very supportive of me. I’m so lucky to have had the chance to work with them.

Blessings & Curses

Cancer has been both a both a blessing and a curse. Strange as that blessing part may sound, it’s true. At least it’s true for me. And I don’t mean it in that sentimental now-I-know-what’s-really-important-and-just-living-every-day-is-a-blessing kind of way. We’re talking practical blessings here. A lot of the time, strangely enough, they just happen to show up right in the middle of the curses. And a lot have shown up in the past couple of weeks.

Take my latest crazy PET scan. Enlarged liver, messed up lungs, yadda, yadda, yadda. But what it doesn’t show is the new lump I found. That’s where the blessing comes in. I don’t miss a thing going on in my body. Knowing your body from head to toe is your first line of defense. Always check yourself. Always go with your gut! I asked for a biopsy on the lump, and this time, I was lucky. Benign. But I believe in me. I will always trust my own instincts and never let my guard down. I am my best hope.

Another recent blessing-inside-a-curse involves my daughter. This summer, she’s been playing a lot of soccer. (Quite well, I might add.) A couple of weeks ago, her premier team had just won the championship, and she was pretty happy. Then she started getting sick. Normal flu-like symptoms, but she’s tough and didn’t complain a lot. It went on for about a week. She was feeling better as we headed for the beach, and while down there, she started getting terrible headaches and running a low-grade fever.

I started getting nervous. My antenna was up. I saw a rash on her back and rushed her to the emergency room. I’d never seen a bull’s-eye rash before, but i just knew. Even when others around me were downplaying the symptoms, I went with my gut. (To be fair to the others, the doctor had just given her a clean bill of health at a well visit, plus it seemed possible she was just having a reaction to vaccinations.)

Turns out, she had Lyme disease. It was diagnosed early, and she’s now on treatment and back playing soccer. Again another blessing: Cancer has given me not only medical knowledge but a certain strength — or courage, if you like — to not listen to anyone but myself! To believe in me and what my gut tells me to do. Had I not, my beautiful daughter might be facing a more serious illness. I sat on the beach the other day and watched my brave and lovely lion play in the sand and jump the waves with her long, red hair flying behind her. Tears ran down my face. I’m proud of me and the mother I have become. The mother with the courage to stand up for what I believe in and what I think is right. I’m going to pass that strength onto my daughter.

I’m not always so smart. Sometimes I think I’m superhuman and just want to forget I have cancer. It’s fun to forget once in a while, but not when it comes back to bite me!! Last week, I didn’t listen to my body and paid the price. I overdid it, got very sick, then went to my maintenance chemo session without telling my doctors I hadn’t been well. I knew if I told them, they wouldn’t have let me get the monthly dose of chemo I count on. I thought I could handle it. Now I know different. With my immune system compromised, I got VERY sick. Scary sick. Live and learn, they say.

As mothers we want to do everything and be everything for our families, but our bodies don’t always allow us to do those things. Be smart … listen to your body!!!!  I learned my limits for sure and with all my blessings, I don’t want to squander them. Like I always say, I’m the luckiest girl around. … I just happen to have cancer.

Tired. Just tired.

I’m so tired. I went for chemo today, I looked around the room, and I was just so, so tired. Even the nurses noticed I wasn’t my usual self. Yes, I am very grateful to still be alive, but I can’t help reflecting. It’s all taken such a toll on me. It’s been three years, and I still drive two hours to receive my treatment, get sick, walk it off, then get back in the car and drive the two hours back home. I repeat this every month. All the other patients come and go. No one is ever the same except for me.

I feel numb from it all. I feel defeated. I will continue to fight for a future with everything I have, but I see now that my future will always require tubes and needles and chemicals. It’s exhausting being me. Sometimes I feel like I could slip into a black hole. Of course, I never would, but it’s a heavy burden to carry. My children and family shine the light on my way forward — and I’m so grateful for that — but sometimes lately, when I’m alone, the dark starts to creep in. It’s like being out on the ocean in a small boat and paddling and paddling and paddling but never seeing land. Oh, and the boat has a leak.

I have another surgery scheduled for the end of the month. The pain of recovery and the new problems it usually brings are sometimes so difficult to bear. I don’t cry much because I’m always looking ahead, but tonight is different. As I write and share all this, I am in tears. I’m that tired.

I’ve put so much energy into not accepting my terminal diagnosis that it hit me only today that the tubes and chemicals are really the main reason I’m still alive. All that fighting I’ve done, and, yet, I’m still dependent on drugs, doctors and grueling treatments. I’m tired of being sick!

I am a positive person, so I don’t want the tone of this post to give you all the wrong impression. I believe it’s important to get the negative out sometimes so you can leave it behind. Even the toughest of us still cry. So taking that advice, I guess I will dry my eyes and head for bed. I have an awesome husband waiting for me there.

Time to put my big girl panties back on … my friends are dying out there and I am very blessed to still be HERE. Even when I’m tired.

A Midnight Call for Strength

Let me start today with an apology for not returning to my blog for the last six months. It wasn’t my intention to stop writing. It just happened. All of the sudden, it wasn’t helping me anymore. When I last wrote, I had received a bad PET scan and since then I’ve been struggling with heart and lung problems while continuing my constant monthly chemo. And here’s a shocker … sometimes all the doctors can be so overwhelming!! I’m writing today still without resolving many of those new problems, but I suppose I am moving forward in spite of the unknown.

January, I’ll be sick 3 years. The doctors didn’t believe I would still be here, but I knew I would. And, now, I’m feeling restless. Restless, because I’m just getting sick and tired of the many doctors, all the surgeries and all the pain that is constant in my body. Let me be clear,  I will never give up on me, I will never feel sorry for me, but I will allow me some time to acknowledge the fact that I really hate all this crap. All the doctor appointments and all the time it takes to poke and prod through a diagnosis.

So please allow me to call on all the sick women out there. A new year is around the corner and we need to come together in spirit when the clock strikes midnight. Close our eyes and call to each other for the strength and support women are so good at giving and sharing. We are women on a mission — mothers, sisters, daughter, wives — and we need to push each other through our difficult times. It can be so lonely shouldering this burden alone, trying to be strong for our spouses, our children, our families and friends. But if with stick together, we just might have a chance. The bottom line is that no doctor or other professional has to create our fate or our days spent. We can do that.

So on December 31st at midnight, I’m not gonna waste my time on silly resolutions. I’m gonna use my power to join all the women all over the world to help each other fight this godawful disease. I hope to find some peace in that quite moment. And I hope to share with all of you.